Thursday, August 12, 2004

Today I'm going to compare Osama Bin Laden to Hitler and Valerie Solanas. It's a comparison that conservatives will initially like, but hate by the end. I am implying that you have to read the whole thing. So, here we go. Correct me if I get anything wrong.

ENEMIES
-Osama Bin Laden: Non-Muslims. Here, Muslims are defined as "Muslims who agree with what Osama Bin Laden wants to do."
-Hitler: Non-Aryans. Here, Aryans are defined as "people equally white as or whiter than Hitler who agree with what Hitler wanted to do."
-Valerie Solanas: Non-Women. Here, women are defined as "Women who agree with what Valerie Solanas wanted to do."

TACTICS
-Osama Bin Laden: Terrorist attacks against countries that aren't Muslim enough (see previous definition of Muslim).
-Hitler: Invading all countries in the world, one by one, and killing all non-Aryans.
-Valerie Solanas: Terrorist attacks against male institutions, gradually moving into an all out female revolt, that ends with the euthanization of all males, though she planned to be polite about it.

WAS/IS THIS PERSON INSANE
-Osama Bin Laden: Yes.
-Hitler: Yes.
-Valerie Solanas: Yes.

Ok, here comes the important bit.


PEOPLE THIS PERSON TRIED TO APPEAL TO
-Osama Bin Laden: Muslims in the Middle East in the present day.
-Hitler: Germans in the 1930s.
-Valerie Solanas: Women in the U.S.A. during the 70's and 80's.

POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC STATUS OF THESE PEOPLE
-Osama Bin Laden: Shit. Many of these countries were recently colonies, which means that they got fucked up economically in favor of wealthier countries. Also, nobody likes the idea that America can bomb the shit out of you at any time and get away with it.
-Hitler: Shit. The stock market had crashed recently, which meant that everyone working class was economically fucked up in favor of a few wealthy people*. Also, nobody likes the idea that America, Britain, and France can kick your ass, take your money, and force you to sign documents saying it was your fault, and get away with it.**
-Valerie Solanas: Pretty good, actually. The U.S.A., though it was doing worse than average during some of the times Valerie Solanas tried to take over the world, is always a good place to live. In general, there are jobs, and you get to vote.

DID THEY EVER GET TO DO ANYTHING BAD ON A LARGE SCALE <
-Osama Bin Laden: Yes.
-Hitler: Yes.
-Valerie Solanas: No.

HAVE YOU EVEN FUCKING HEARD OF THEM?
-Osama Bin Laden: Yes.
-Hitler: Yes.
-Valerie Solanas: No.

And there you have it. Sure, there are well educated terrorists. There's, like, at least five of them, and they run everything, and they're crazy. But without legions of uneducated desperate people, they couldn't do anything except print out a bunch of terrible pamphlets, get laughed at, and shoot Andy Warhol.

*Well, this was true in the U.S.A., anyway. A lot of people made huge amounts of money off the Depression. They had money allready, so it was just the ultimate opportunity to buy low, and once you've done that you're halfway to economic success.
**This is known as World War I. You probably know this, but a swing voter might have bumbled here.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

I assume someone else has noticed this by now, but I hadn't until the DNC, when I saw some commentator criticize Kerry for being boring. She kind of pissed me off, but I couldn't explain why. I mean, she wasn't saying anything particularly bad or untrue.

Then I realized that she was the exact same sort of person who would give a "Dean/Gore/etc is a madman/menace/extremist" speech.

Then I realized that it's always the same person. Dammit swing voter types, I already know and accept that you're dumb. Anyone who doesn't know who they are voting for -- at this stage of the campaign -- because they "need more information" is a stupid stupid idiot who just proved themself incapable of reading a candidate's platform or taking an incredibly short test with no possible wrong answers.

But come on. You can't criticize everyone for having strong opinions, then be surprised when the most successful candidate is a boring asshole who plays to the dumbest possible crowd, that crowd being you. You're praying for a Bullworth type hero to destroy the media bullshit that you know exists because the media told you so, but if he came, you'd crap your pants in fear because "he talked sort of loud."

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Since I've been gone for a while, I'm going to start slowly. So first, The Bitter Shack of Resentment goes on my wad of links, for being good.

Second, I make fun of something conservatives say a lot. It's a really easy one, but I'm out of practice.

I assume you've all heard Clinton's speech at the Democratic convention. You can read it, listen to it, and watch it here if you haven't. It's fairly badass and most of it is totally irrelevant to the point that I'm going to make. The relevant bit is here, when Clinton talks about the distribution of Bush's tax cut:

When I was in office, the Republicans were pretty mean to me. When I left and made money, I became part of the most important group in the world to them. At first I thought I should send them a thank you note—until I realized they were sending you the bill.

Now, I've heard many people criticize Clinton for this. They say he's a hypocrite, because he criticizes the wealthiest %1 of Americans while being one of them. Good job guys. As always, I'm going to use an analogy that you'll understand one sentence in, thus negating any point of writing the whole thing.

So, imagine a theoretical white person in the mid 1950s.

This theoretical white person says, "You know, it's really unfair how much official discrimination there is against black people. I'm going to work hard to make this country more fair towards all people, even if that may make me less wealthy or powerful in the long run, because it's the right thing to do."

Now, is it more accurate to describe this person as "a reasonable human being with a conscience and a strong sense of right and wrong" or "a hypocrite who flip-flops and didn't really go to Vietnam somehow?"
So, I kind of forgot about this site. Then I remembered it again, and I said to myself "If the lefty directory bothered to link to me, I'll start it up again, and if it didn't, I'm going to forget about blogger forever" So then I checked, and obviously, since you are reading this, they updated. So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to resume my pseudodaily destruction of republican talking points with my mighty wit.